Day Nine

List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how. 


I am unsure of even how to describe something that has come to pass in my life recently.  Because it has dominate my thoughts for so long, it will be about only one person that I will talk about to answer this question about myself. It's a typical thing that has seemed to dominate my life, there is this one boy...

We met the summer before my sophomore year in college, at a haphazardly planned lunch with a friend. It was a lunch filled with people that I did not know and I sat on the end with my friend while she turned to talk with all of her new acquired friends. I found myself across from a boy who was the first and the only person ever in my life who has referred to me as quiet. It was an interesting lunch. What followed was the building of a friendship through "marathon lunches" several times a week on campus with my friends and this new person in my life. We talked about everything and nothing at the same time. We skipped classes, closed down the cafeteria, and dominated tables and conversations. Then one day, the relationship started to change.

I asked him to go to a hockey game with me, as I really wanted to go to the game and had no one who wanted to go with me. Much to my surprise, he agreed to go. This would be the first time we would be spending time together without the group of friends that I had become used to always being around when he and I were together. There is nothing special to be said about that night, save that it was the first time we really got to be alone together. He was sweet and put up with my antics and photography that night. Polite and ever the gentleman, he came in when I invited him in and stayed for a bit to chat. It was an innocent evening but for me it proved that we did not always need to be around the other friends we were both comfortable with to have a good time.

Then something happened that changed things. He got a girlfriend. The relationship seemed to change quite suddenly. There were little to no text conversations anymore. He came less often to the "marathon lunches" we all shared. He was distant and at times cold. It hurt, especially since we had become good friends by this time. I had never met the girlfriend and never intended to if this was the way he treated me when they were together. However, one evening I was surprised to be introduced to her by him. He seemed happy that the two of us were meeting, though looking back I suppose that is only my perception of the encounter. She, on the other hand, was quite petulant. She barely spared me a glance and never actually spoke to me. It was an awkward, uncomfortable encounter, made even more so by the fact that I was standing between the two of them as the introduction was happening. It is a night that I now look back on and remember with humor, but at the time, I could certainly understand the possible reasons for his recent coolness towards me. It was not long after that that we shared another event that, again to my perception, changed the relationship.

That Christmas, many of our friends from the group went to Biltmore together to see the lights. It was, for all intents and purposes, my first real road trip. I was glad that he had agreed to drive my car as I was nervous about driving through the mountains. Again, it was an interesting day. I learned new things about him on the way to the house and on the way back. I also got my first glimpse of how close he and his mother are. (I had only known at that point that his father was no longer living, but was unaware of the strong bond he and his mother seem to share.) The gaining of more information about the life of a friend, no matter how trivial it may seem to some, is always something I find to be enjoyable. So, from this trip, I learned a little more about this person I call my friend.

There is not much to be remembered between Biltmore and the next big event to rock our friendship. We communicated through text some, still went to hockey games together, generally kept up with the lives of one another. Enter then, another girlfriend. The first did not work out and they chose to remain friends. (I have since gotten to know her some and she is a very nice girl.) Girlfriend #2, as I shall now refer to her, made a huge impact on our friendship. Again, we fell into the pattern of not talking as much, going to fewer and fewer games together, not keeping up with one another. This was also the first time that even when we did get to spend time together, he spent the whole time on his phone with her. This bothered me because he was the one agreeing to spend time with me. If he wanted to be and talk with her, then he could have made that choice. By this time, he had left school for financial reasons and that lessened our contact even more. This relationship that he shared with Girlfriend #2 could only be described, from my perspective, as adolescent. At first they seemed to get along quite well. It was kind of annoying really that he and I could not spend time together and catch up on the friendship because he seemed to spend every waking minute that he was not working with her. I suppose this is around the time that I truly felt jealous, not an easy thing for me to admit. At this time, I really had to own up to the fact that I had feelings for the boy. It was not an easy road, my friends can attest to that! And then, a breakthrough happened.

She broke up with him. It was apparently because her friends convinced her that he was too needy, always wanted to be around her, and that he was suffocating her. So, like a normal young woman who just started college would do, she listened to her friends and dumped him. When I heard about it, I gave him the space he requesting, letting him know that of course I would be there if he needed anything. A few days later, he text me and asked if I wanted to go with him to an event. (For my reference, this was the first time he ever initiated wanting to spend time together apart from the lunches we used to share on campus. In the past, it had always been me asking if he wanted to go do something.) I was thrilled and agreed to go but the event was cancelled due to rain. I was disappointed but he then asked if I wanted to go to dinner instead. Again, I was happy. Plans initiated by him even after the original plan fell through? It was a dream! We had dinner filled with awkward small talk and little else. He was not willing to share about his break up and I did not push him to so instead we ate in semi-companionable silence. He dropped me off at my dorm afterwards and expressed his excitement about going to an upcoming hockey game that we made plans to attend while at dinner. Little did I know that this dinner seemed to only be an excuse to be on campus in the hopes of meeting up with his ex. Only a few days later they were again dating. Our little dinner that I read so much into, as it is my nature to do so,  meant nothing.

This time around, they again seemed to be as happy as they were when they first started dating. We spent time together less frequently than we ever had before, and at times it would be days, weeks, and sometimes not at all that attempts at conversations on my end were responded to by him. After months of attempts to keep the friendship going, I eventually gave up and only sent the occasional holiday/birthday texts that distant friends communicate with. It wasn't until their third and final break up that we started to communicate again. (They had broken up once more because her friends again convinced her that they should not be together, but it was, yet again, a short-lived break.)

On the off-chance that he might actually respond, I had invited him to attend a hockey game with me. He agreed to go, stating that it had been a long time since we had gone together, since he had replaced going with me by taking her to a few of the games instead. I was just excited that we were going to be able to catch up. We met for dinner beforehand as per our usual arrangement. He seemed agitated and upset and I commented on it. He responded with an unconvincing, matter-of-fact statement that they had broken up last night and that he was glad that it was all over with. I had never seen him so willing to talk about their relationship before. I learned many things, for instance, the break up this time was initiated by him. I saw this as a positive sign, he was in control of things this time. He was forthcoming about some things and though I was trying to be polite and be neutral on the subject my face sometimes gave me away. In one particular instance, it lead to his insistence that he would not leave the restaurant until he knew the thought behind a particular face I had made in reaction to something he had said. As he was driving that night, I had no choice but to explain my thoughts. Trying to be the good friend that I know he needed at the time, I played devil's advocate, trying to paint her transgressions against him in another way, trying to think of reasons why she may have behaved in a certain way, but he would hear none of it. He was mad and I believe he wanted to stay that way. After leaving dinner things became more normal, and we slipped quite comfortably (at least in my perspective) back into our friendship. This all happened during my time working full-time during the week at a lab school on campus. (Just this past spring, in fact.) I didn't have much time for anyone, but made an effort to keep up communication and dinner plans with the boy. We consistently spent time together, talking through the week as well, something that we did not previously always do.

I suppose that it was this past summer that things seemed to change. The dynamic was different when we spent time together. I was making an effort to not dominate the conversation, as is my tendency in every conversation in my life. I was truly trying to let him take more of a role in what we conversed about. This usually led to conversations about his job, as that is where he currently spends most of his time. I noticed a small shift in our time spent together. I was no longer the one working to keep conversation going, or to extend our time together by starting another story out in the parking lot. Instead, he had taken up this role. It was a pleasant shift, validation that he wanted to spend time with me just like I wanted to spend time with him. He had begun to pay for my meal, something that was surprising and nice, but not something I ever demanded or expected. It seemed that he made more of an effort to respond quicker to my text messages, that he was more willing and able to hang out and spend time together.

By this time, I had already met his mother when I spent Easter at his church. (That was the first and only time that I have ever not been at my own church for all the morning services on Easter.) His mother was unbelievably sweet and good-tempered. She had mentioned that she had heard a lot about me and was happy that we could finally meet. My heart warmed at her words, but I could only guess at just how much he shares with his mother and what exactly he might have said.

He invited me again to his church to come see him act in the Judgment House that his church was putting on. I took the same mutual friend who introduced us all those years ago and we had an enjoyable evening chatting after the play was over. I was sure that things had changed between us, that he might be starting to feel for me the way that I had felt for him for some time now. But in December of this past year, it all changed.

The month started out fine, but something was different. He was slower to respond to my text messages, if he responded at all. It was not our usual dynamic that I had grown so use to sharing these past few months. Then one Saturday, as I was checking my Facebook I saw that he was in a relationship. This was certainly news to me as I was unaware that he was talking with anyone at the time besides me, though we were not officially talking about starting a relationship. It quickly began to click together, the ignoring my messages, the not being able to hang out as frequently. I was being unceremoniously dumped right back into the pattern of the friendship we had when he was dating someone in the past. I was, of course, so jealous that I was seeing green, because by this time I had convinced myself that I was not the only person feeling something when we hung out. It was like I had a bucket of cold water thrown in my face.

Then, I did something I am not proud of and that I am sure lead to the whole reason behind this post in the first place. I asked the mutual friend to see what had happened, why the sudden change had occurred and why he was suddenly dating this girl that none of us had ever heard of. As I asked her to do a silly and childish thing, it only seems right that it seemed to blow up in my face. Not only did she never hear back from him, all communication between him and I ceased. After several attempts at conversation, I eventually sent two messages that seem to be the final contact he and I will ever share. I asked him first if we would ever be able to talk again and upon receiving no answer stated that I supposed that would not be the case and that for what it was worth, I missed my friend. Simple words that held so much truth. Above the possibility of a relationship, more than anything else, I missed the friendship that we shared. And then, the final event of our friendship, the reason behind this whole post, happened.

Even though I promised myself and others that I would let it go and let it be, I could not help occasionally checking up on him to know how his life was going. (Yes, okay I admit it, I went full on stalker mode!) I could not ask him anymore as I knew he would not respond and began to be convinced that he probably no longer even bothered to read any message I sent to him. It was during a look at his profile that I noticed that things looked different, it was then that I noticed that we were no longer friends. I know this seems trivial. Who cares if we aren't friends on Facebook anymore? It is not like it is real life. But it was like real life. This was the final step he took in completely cutting off our friendship. Of course when I reflect on it now I am hurt. But at the time... I was furious!

After all that we had been through, all those years of friendship, how could he end it in this way? It was such a cowardly move, a shady thing to do after all this time. How could he not have the ability to say it to my face, or at least give me some kind of warning? I know men in general do not give in to a need for closure, but what a callous thing to do. I had people telling me that maybe it was not just a decision he made, maybe it was a decision that the new girlfriend made for him. Even if this is the case, I would like to believe that he had enough respect for me as a friend to step up and own to it. I was beyond hurt that this was the way that he chose to end things, in such a way that it may have taken me some time (were I not in a semi-stalker mode) to figure things out. I have now been crushed by my crush and the pain runs deep.

The focus of today's topic is supposed to be the people who influenced my life and how they have done it. He has had an influence on my life for the past six years and even with all I have said, I am still unsure of how to describe it all.